Little Baby Toes
Come Saturday afternoon I was back home with my love and very glad to be here, yet my heart was aching for what I left behind, and it still is. Last night my sister's father in law posted photos of her on Facebook and while I was so happy to see them my eyes instantly welled up as my heart and mind tried to make sense of this distance. I feel so lucky to be able to see my sister and her family often despite the miles that separate us, but I am aching for more. With her brood being a four hour drive in one direction and my brother's being two hours in an opposite one, well, it is a very rare thing that we all find ourselves together and when we do it is never for long.
I think that distance has been the hardest part for me about this entire pregnancy. Sure, there are physical aches and pains, but the aching I feel for my family is so much stronger and so much more painful. I ache for a midweek drop-in to give my nieces a snuggle or to join my sister for an hour of walking and talking. I ache for being able to go watch a little league game when my nephew is involved in one of his activities or to swing by and pick him up for an afternoon at the park. I ache for us all to gather around a picnic table while the kids play in the park and we talk about nothing much at all. More than anything, now that my own little gal is on the way, I want those things and knowing that once she is born my family will not be around is the very hardest thing.
That aching is one I cannot soothe very easily. I try to push it away and focus on the positive, on the extended family I will create for her through my close friends and by knowing that one day my sister will return and my brother is not quite as far away, but my focus can get rather blurry when I'm trying to do so through tears. Luckily at least some of those tears are ones of joy at having them at all.