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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Milk and Lavender

She wants to be close but in control of the closeness, something I can certainly understand even if it is hard to resist pulling her in snuggly against my stomach and chest to feel her heart beat against my own. I settle for a hand on her stomach to feel her breath as my eyes do all the exploring, they travel across her tiny bump of a nose, her smooth eyelids and full eyelashes and the curves of her ears with a small edge of skin along the top much like my own. My skin can feel her warmth radiating from her own and my nose catches wafts of lavender mixed with the sweet smell of milk on her breath and the less than sweet bits of milk on both of our clothing. As she sleeps I dream of a future with room for her to roam in and with nature, feel soft soil squishing between her toes and with the ability to know the trees and creatures by name. I want to give her everything that I have found beautiful in this life while also watching her identify beauty all her own. Parenting is hard in ways that were incomprehensible until she was here in my arms, it is frightening and terrifying to want to do the right thing but to have to decide those right things all on your own, with no other to point blame at if those rights turn out to be wrongs. There is only growing and changing and just really it is so much of the growing on your part that is the most surprising of all. The person I am becoming is required to find confidence and a certain bluntness I am not accustomed to but that I am hopeful I can grow into as time continues to move with no ability to slow it down, I can only hope to catch it from time to time and snuggle it close for those sweet wafts of milk and lavender.

Sara

Linking up with Just Write

8 comments:

  1. Your words take me back to my early mothering days...tough days, but I do look back at them with fondness. Those days forced me to grow and change to meet the needs of my little man in the way I wanted to, so very grateful for that.

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  2. This, exactly: "it is frightening and terrifying to want to do the right thing but to have to decide those right things all on your own, with no other to point blame at if those rights turn out to be wrongs." It's like I sometimes tell my husband, "When did we become the grown-ups? And how do we make it stop?"

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  3. Oh my goodness. I love this. I might just join in on this.... such raw feelings. Motherhood is definitely tougher than I ever expected... I guess it won't get any easier as time goes on. Just soaking in the good moments is all you can do and imprinting in your mind so you'll never forget. I keep trying to do that with every moment and then I get sad that time moves so quickly. *sigh*

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  4. Lauren @ crumbbums.comApril 26, 2013 at 10:14 AM

    Sara, this is SO BEAUTIFUL! You are such an amazing writer/poet! Keep it up, lady. I'm loving it. Also, you made me tear up with the memory of that wonderful smell... babyhood and breastfeeding is so fleeting! I'm so glad you are enjoying every moment of it with Izzy!

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  5. Yes, even on the hard days and the days I can feel myself having to grow and change more than I was expecting, I am thankful. I'm already looking back on the earlier days with fondness and having trouble remembering the really rough patches.

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  6. "When did we become the grown-ups? And how do we make it stop?" EXACTLY! YES!

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  7. I'm so glad you did join. So many people give blog tip posts and insists you should put photos on each post or have things situated a certain way, but for me, it's about just capturing moments and memories and I'm glad to get back to that here and there. Motherhood is insane in a million ways, mostly good. :)

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  8. Thank you Lauren, I hope I can. Writing is the only way for me to really get to the bottom of anything it seems and I barely have the time these days, I can feel the impact of that. Hopefully I can carve out little bits of time here and there for more of it because I think it would be really therapeutic in a way that I need.

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