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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Slice of Life: Take 8




Pretty Birthday Flowers / I Love Their Love / Plentiful Dreams / My Sweetest Little Goober

These pictures are from late February, but that is the pace of things these days and I don't mind it one bit. Life is good. No, not everything is perfect by societal standards and I don't expect that it ever will be, but we are happy, we are healthy, we are strong. Yesterday I had an ache in my stomach from concern over someone I love and although I can often be silly and an over-worrier, it also helped me to stop and once again realize what is most important to me and that would be the people (and animals of course) that I hold most dear to my heart. Without my own small family, my mother, my brother and my sister I would be unable to breathe. Our father was lost way too early and even before then was not present fully and in a way we would have all benefited from, but even now I feel a bit of emptiness every day where he should be and I fear that will never change. Most days I choose to fill it with a happy memory or see it as an opportunity for challenging myself to grow even further, but other days I still find myself inconsolable and in a heap of tears.

The night we said goodbye we all retreated to my mothers house and with E and I arriving before the others I took my little pocket recorder and held it up to my phone to record the last message I ever received from him. "Hello my youngest daughter...", I still have it today. It is static-filled and a bit broken from it's transfer from one device to the next, but on that little recorder it remains. Probably two years have passed since I could bring myself to listen and with the cemetery being around a two hour drive from my home I have not visited his grave since that awful day a few Octobers ago, but I think the time is coming when I will have to dive deeper, when I will allow myself to listen to his voice or bring my car down that small gravely road to face my pain and my loss, for even though the weather would have us think differently, it is Spring, a time for renewal and growth.

I hope this first day of Spring finds you well.

Sara

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Warmth

The shades are drawn but the sun is peaking through and as she slumbers beside me her warm belly rounded out with milk pulses up and down beneath my palm. Her slow breaths of sleep warm my chest and our legs rest beside each other beneath the thin cotton cover. In this moment I am immensely happy and my eyes have swollen with the kind of tears that only come with happiness for feeling such all consuming love. This is more than I ever knew I wanted and also everything I need.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Taking Care of Me




I haven't had a lot of time for writing here lately, but I am going to try to make more time for such as it helps me to share and to connect with others. Life has been pretty great lately. After recovering from being sick last week I found my motivation and energy again after months of feeling rather slug-like and unmotivated to do much beyond surviving and taking care of my little goober. Those months were wonderful for what they were, but I am thrilled to dive in to this next season of our lives. It seems as the seasons are preparing to change, so am I, and it feels incredible. This week in particular I finally found the motivation to dive back in to taking care of myself. My hair was chopped to just below my chin and with that a weight was lifted. As my stringy broken postpartum hair fell to the floor I felt relief at a new beginning and at finally feeling good about myself again. I think the hair cut, the flipping my negatives into positives and the telling myself how beautiful and strong I am every day, even when it's hard, have made a big difference. Finding old letters from my love while cleaning out my side of the closet didn't hurt either. The way that man has loved me so fiercely from the very beginning does wonderful things for my soul.

The motivation to care for myself also extends to my dietary choices and I am glad to say I have found my way back to the kitchen and to preparing healthy delicious meals for our family. Thank you time change and a later bed time for Iz! I feel like we still have a ways to go, but with a tweak here and a nudge there (to our already plant-based diet) I feel like we are on a wonderful path to finding the nutrition we deserve through our food. I have found myself asking if I would rather eat less nutritious foods or have more time on this earth with my daughter and my husband and you better believe I will take just as many years, months, days, seconds I can get and if that means big bowls of greens and soups of squash, you can count me in. Sure, I may have a sweet here and there, but it is no secret that I am very addicted to sugar and it is hard for me to have in moderation, so I will probably have to steer pretty clear for the most part. It's funny in our society that when one chooses to opt out of eating sweets or many fried or non-nutritious foods they are said to be missing out, but I feel like by doing those things I am gaining so much more. My energy is better, my mood is improved ten fold, and by continuing eating in this manner my health will be more solidified. I don't see how any of that can be a bad thing.

So yes, Spring will be greeting us soon and I will be glad to welcome this new season with an improved attitude, ready to explore the world with a Bug on my hip and a belly full of energy providing nutrition. I hope this week is also treating you well.

Sara